Pursuit

Sometimes I walk in on a conflict between my mind and my heart that makes me stop to listen. More often than not I end up predisposed to what my mind has to say, or rather entertaining the "what if's" rather than going with the assurance that holds my heart. This week I have been participating in Seven, a week of prayer and fasting put on through Solid Rock pursuing God for revival in Portland. I set out at the start of the week with awesome intentions (I feel like we always do- smile) of how I was going to spend this week intentionally in prayer for our city, that God would break my heart for what breaks His, and for the people God has put in my life, how it was going to be a week to remember my time in South Africa just over two weeks ago and pray for the people and the ministry that is at work there. I was also spurred on my the words of Mike Erie who spoke at Solid Rock several weeks ago, calling us to truly be desperate for God... to cry out to Him as our only hope for restoration, for healing, and for truth. Good intentions also included spending time in devotions daily and having time to journal and pray during the day... in all that it would be a week of spiritual retreat where I could pursue God intentionally and focus on Him. That is still so much the desire of my heart and I so thankful for the fact that God's character includes patience... there is hope for me yet (smile)

I sit here on the bring of day three of the fast realizing that I have not accomplished all that I had hoped for the week. It's easy for my heart to get discouraged... to feel like I'm not fasting for the right reasons and me not eating seems legalistic, or I'm not living any differently this week or spending as much time in the word as I want to... my mind comes up with a lot of arguments that label me as a failure. But maybe that's the point. That God meets us in our pursuit of Him and blesses us despite whether or not we meet the spiritual goals that we set for ourselves. I'm reminded of going to Tuesday morning bible study over the past year at Solid Rock and hearing Josh White say that, "the fact you are here means that you want a deeper relationship with God." The truth is that I heard those words as I was half asleep in sweats at 6am and that as much as I tried desperately to get something from the message every Tuesday morning, my tired mind didn't retain much. Josh was right... I do want a deeper relationship with God and that's why I was there early in the morning to learn about Him, and that's a lot of the reason why I'm fasting. But as the Word says, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak", my heart fights to get me up every morning, or to get me to be faithful in devotions this week as I fast but my mind (or my flesh) sees the weakness and considers it failure, bringing emptiness to my pursuit. But then my heart came up with an analogy that has spoken louder than any argument my mind could muster up: what if faith is like the relationship between a father and son. The father gives his son an allowance to do with what he pleases: to spend or save, but it is the father's ultimate goal that the son would learn lessons in stewardship and have wisdom in how he uses it. What if one day the son comes to the father and offers up his allowance in an outstretched hand telling the father that he wants to give it to the homeless? His heart is in the right place... it's incredible that he wants to sacrifice what he has out of compassion. But the fact is that the allowance is only $.50 and that it's really not going to make that much of a difference in helping the homeless. But does the father reject the offering? Absolutely not! He takes it with a smile, so so proud of his son despite how effective his offering will be in ministry or the difference it will make. The father will bless the son for his pursuit of what he knows to be right. 

Maybe we should listen to our hearts and follow its leading more often. God loves our pursuit of him, whatever offering we bring, however small of baby steps we take, God will bless us for the desires of our heart because they long for Him. More and more I come to think that it's more a matter of the heart than anything else, more about believing God at His word and pursuing him even if we have to fight through our own pride and inconsistency. He wants us and it's not going to happen all at once. God didn't come to save spiritual giants but to nurture spiritual toddlers in their pursuit of Him. Let's listen to the voice in our hearts, the whisper of the holy spirit in our souls.